Who knew that you could make a guy feel so bad. Who knew?

Some people told me no. Some people told me yes. You told me you needed a break. You never said you’d spend break time with another guy, much less continually blame it on your third trimester schedule, instead of the people you spend the time you told me you’d spend with me with them instead. You’ll probably never read this, and I’m glad. Cause I’m pissed off and I don’t want you to know. I’ll just bottle it up because you’re happy. I don’t want to make you unhappy just because of me. 

The only problem is you made me feel like shit. Twice.

I thought you actually cared. What a total loser I am. You don’t even talk to me like you used to, don’t even walk with me like you used to, much less take notice that I exist in the real world like you used to. I actually cared about you. I told you everything. You gave me silence and a face full of crap. Confused and tired because of third trimester, your work is piling up and life sucks? You respond to every “What?” with a “Never mind.” as if you don’t think I’m worthy of hearing what you have to say. You just don’t want to tell me? You’ve “just not wanted to tell me anything” over 30 times. Never mind, never mind, never mind. Bullshit. You have something to say, it’s either nagging you, sparking you, making you different, and you don’t want to share because I’m not damned worth it. Semi? Give me a break. You didn’t even feel obliged to stand next to me for more than 30 seconds, much less dance with me. One dance. But nope. You’d rather go over to some other friends and chill while your date is feeling like shit. You didn’t even let me say goodnight properly. Instead, you had others walk you back, head held high and back straight. Whoops, sorry. Your date was feeling like an idiot, broken hearted and depressed.

Sadie? Hah, screw it. You didn’t leave his side from the moment you exited those double doors from the ETC till 11:59 p.m. You dance with him at every chance, and ended the night with the tightest hug in the world. Yeah. Thanks a lot. You pretty much slapped me across the face. Great friend, huh?

I can’t even see what’s good in him. 

Oh, I’m sorry. You’re still lost and confused with that beautiful smile on your face and senior wrapped around you in your arms? Gonna blame it on that crappy schedule of yours and that massive amount of work piling around you? I’m sorry, I’d spend hours with you, talk with you, laugh with you, do everything to make you smile, and here you are. 

You don’t have any idea how mad I am again.

Thanks. Thanks a lot.

(via gingersfluffy)

Today, a girl walked into the practice rooms @NCSSM, the high school I go to. I’ll keep her name blank so no one actually knows who I am or who this person is. She walked in and the first thing that caught my attention was the fact that she had the biggest smile on her face that I’d ever seen before. It was enough to make me smile, considering the insurmountable pressure I was feeling at the time. It wasn’t stress! It was just pressure.

Her smile was contagious. Also, her voice brought a smile to my face.

Funny thing was, she and I are in this school club that does legit things. Real anonymous, I know. :P Be quiet. I’m trying to make sure no one finds out who’s writing this.

If you go to NCSSM, you pretty much know who showed up AsiaFest big time this year. #winning

Well, she walked in and asked me to play. I asked her what she wanted me to play, pretty much what I ask anyone who wants to hear me play. Because I haven’t memorized any classical repertoire; I just find songs people listen to and play them by ear. They are usually pretty good skull candy, so people like to hear me play. And I like to play for them, because it brings smiles to their faces.

She said she didn’t listen to music much… ><

Well, darn. I just started playing everything! Anything I could think of. But the moment my improv skills stopped, I realized I didn’t have anything else to do but look back at her. She had her hands over her mouth.

Well, that’s interesting. If you do know who I am, you should also know that my ex-gf’s first reaction to seeing me after 6.5 years was to clamp her hands over her mouth. In a desperate effort to hide the brilliant, day-brightening smile that can’t be covered. 

I was hooked. 

I wanted to small talk with her, but was worried that she would miss her next performance, which I knew she would be extremely interested in. God, I was worried. 

More worried than I should’ve been. I wanted to talk with her more.

All I realized was that she would be extremely hard to find after that little incident. I COULDN’T find her ANYWHERE!!! F$%!

No phone number, not really into FB, don’t even know which hall she lived on. I was pretty much stumped. How could a girl like this completely pass my eye, someone with a beautiful smile and passion for dance and wonderful voice and charming laugh? I was completely stumped. Maaaannnn….

Well, recently, there was a lock-in at school, and I was trying to find her. Then, I told some friends of mine, and they started playing wing-man, which is something I just can’t stand. So, I tried to hide.

I’m pretty much a pathetic idiot. I should’ve gone and talked to her.

Sorry, man. And his girl. I admit. I shouldn’t’ve done it.

Now, I’m desperately trying to find her again. I just don’t want to overdo it, because then I’ll look like a creeper and a freak and a weirdo. Just… her personality is so bright…

Can’t stand it. Gotta do my Chemistry Homework tonight. Signing off.

So, last night, I was with my friend over Facebook. I probably ended up talking with him for over 2 hours. He said a lot of things that changed the way I looked at the way I live life. Now, I don’t know how to make the next move. What about the friendship I thought I had that went awry and seems hopeless? What about the relationship I maintained for years on end, but ended up coming to a close? What about the friends I tried to make and the passions I tried to pursue, but gave up in my desperate quest to find myself through another’s patience, love, and understanding? Have I thrown all my chips in only to find that I’ve lost the bet? Where are they? I’m lost, confused, and hurt. I’m willing to throw out my old self for the new, as my friend told me to try, but what about the people who still take me for who I was? How do I change it? How can I reach the people I’m trying to reach without becoming overbearing? How can I turn my situation around without falling lower?

On another note, I feel attacked. I signed up for a class in which I committed myself to a passion and zeal beyond grades and simple school work. However, people in that class have an attitude which cannot be overcome. They fill themselves with it and once they find you are not like them, they will regard you as nothing. I’m not scared or frightened of them. I’m just really sorry. Should I ignore them? Or continue to provoke them by maintaining my stature? I can’t compete with them because I know they will not listen to me. But I know I can continue doing what I love regardless of their attitude. Simply speaking, it’s a decision between ignoring them or trying to meld with them, taking the hits and blows they apply, but trying, at least trying, to make headway with them. Which one?

Last, but not least, I’m worried about my feelings. The friend who devoted her time to help me has surely changed. Maybe, I was appearing to get too close for comfort. In any case, she’s disappeared. But that persona in my life on whom I leaned on so much for support is now gone. It’s not a matter of me having feelings for her. It’s a matter of what I might have done for that trust to go away. I admit I disappeared when I promised her I wouldn’t. But, I feel, the truth is that she disappeared first. Am I justified? All I want to know is if I should apologize, and if so, how I should go about doing it. She was such a good friend to me. Maybe, this missing link is for the better, but right now, it’s sucking my attention away as a black hole does to light. 

Goodnight. I’ve got some work I need to get done tonight, so this will be it for my thoughts for the evening. Thanks for your time. I really appreciate it.